For your morbid viewing pleasure, check out this blog
by my former cult

Both links are full of all sorts of horseshit. "Vibrational Psychology"? The leader coined this phrase. It has no meaning or validity outside the realm of the cult. It also claims that the approach "is a science" which uses physics as the basis of all its teachings.

Science, my ass--no more so than Scientology is real science. At least Scientology really knows how to reel the gullibles in.

TIP should take some lessons in snake oil selling from them.

I have a birthday coming up--my 34th. If I make it to this one, not that I'm planning not to (but one never can assume), I will have survived my martyr year.

Martyr year? They say that Jesus was 33 when he was crucified. An interesting question that begs: Have I sacrificed anything to give life to something else?

Now I don't really endorse martyrdom. And, I really do not believe the explanation that Jesus died so that we "sinners" could live; I don't believe in a God who demands such an exchange. But, going with the metaphor--because so many of my friends said last year at this time, "oooooh! your 'Jesus' year!" (or, was it just the voices in my head???)--did I sacrifice anything? Kill any part of myself off so that good could flourish?

Ahhh, the death of my independent little massage business in Ballard. I was sooo proud of it, loved that I had a business with a quirky identity that people noticed and patronized largely because of its very unique style--and because of my fabulous massage of course! I killed this little gem and opened up a home practice to create time and space and resources to develop a new career path. It was snuffed on the last day of last September. I know I made the right decision for the purpose of moving forward. It's just been a hell of a year since then--depression! Only now do I feel as though I've rolled the rock from the tomb.

In the works: new house (same residence, new floor plan), new career (real estate), finally conquering the freeway driving phobia (have started hypnotherapy), opening myself up to the reality of a child in the near future (start "trying" in the spring/summer), further development and deepening of the spiritual Self.

I am constantly reminded of the importance for clear communication. I don't know why this is so difficult for us to do. What keeps us from saying to each other exactly what is going on in our head? The whole dating scene is one thing--thank God I'm not in that culture anymore--but what keeps close friends from just saying what is up?

Go into details? that's what's so weird about this blog thing--which I'm very new to. It's not as if it's a journal which no one will see. I'm editing as I write--it's just another arena that feeds self consciousness. Some random person commented on my blog--but it was apparent that they just wanted to sign me up for a multi-level marketing scheme. whatever. anyway. Speaking for myself, and the obvious answer to the original question posed, I hide the truth because I think that people, even my close ones, can't handle the truth. So, assuming that EVERYONE does the same thing, that everyone is screwed up, emotionally traumatized and relationship challenged--if we all started saying un-edited truth--that "what you did just now really made me feel insecure and makes me want to cut you out of my life, but I love you too much to show you this rage and risk that you will leave me"--would the planet suddenly go through a healing crisis and resultant deep transformation???

If Bush said "I really hate public speaking because I sound like an idiot. I don't know what's right to do--and this job is way more scary than I ever imagined. I wanted to go into Iraq because I'm worried about the global oil supply and the US's lack of control of it. And, incidentally, I really can't relate to poor people because I never, ever had to even DREAM of what their lives must be like"--would we be in the national dire straits that we are in now?

Don't we presume to control people when we omit information? When I don't tell you exactly how I feel or what I think, isn't that me trying to control your reaction to me?

In other news: it looks like we are going to tear the roof off our house. I'm not just talking roofing--I mean the WHOLE roof. Ceilings too. Replace with pre-manufactured trusses, and, voila! we get vaulted ceilings and a new floor plan. Gonna have to camp for awhile in our house afterwards. Just us and the rafters--gotta save up for the new drywall ;)

Well, I did it. I'm "Publicity/ Outreach Chair" for the community club. They all about drooled simply because I'm a good 30 to 40 years younger than the average member. I am glad to be interacting with a geriatric set--but people of that generation are really into NIMBY-ism ("Not In My Back Yard")-- something I'm gunning to rattle a little. So, I'm not certain if they will still be happy with me if I get some progressives to start attending...

Our country is dying for lack of community connection: no one feels responsible to the collective any more. I'm not advocating communism--but rather, community-ism. I think people have kids, partly, so as not to be lonely when they grow old. The way our country is set up--who takes care of those people who have no family to turn to?

Everyone derided Hillary when she wrote "It Takes a Village to Raise a Child"--but did anyone stop to think that she was probably right?

Have been wrestling with the blahs. Imagine this: I am one of the very few lucky people who supports myself on three days of work per week--and I am still figuring out (after almost a year) how to enjoy my days off. Such a problem. I know there are people in New Orleans that would happily exchange dilemmas with me right now; it's easy to shame myself out of wallowing.

Am trying to make an effort to reach out and create community in my neighborhood--get myself out of myself. Got flyers printed up for a neighborhood brunch on 9/17/05 to benefit the victims of Hurricane Katrina; gonna hand some out at the community meeting tonight. There's a publicity chair open for the Haller Lake community club--trying to decide if I want to volunteer. I'm always a little reticent to take on a responsibility like that--I feel like I've only ever fell down on the job. But the truth is that the last time I really volunteered and didn't follow through on similar commitments was when I was in college. It's hard to shake negative images of myself.

What makes a life succesful? I wanna believe it doesn't have to do with how much money one makes, or whether one's name is "known". But there's the part of me that craves fortune and fame--but has not the motivation to pursue it. So, I wrestle with the strange judgement that my life is passing me by. But why?

I should become Buddist. I just don't have the patience for meditation. Precisely!